By Kitty Sargent, MSW
© the bridge 2006

The traditional model of child sexual abuse prevention focuses on teaching children to avoid becoming victims. We tell them, “Say no, get away and tell an adult – and keep telling until someone believes you.”  Yet it is rare to hear of a child who follows those instructions. Why is that? Think a moment about what we are asking of them.

This model puts the responsibility to prevent abuse on the victim, a child.  It sends the message that keeping themselves safe is their job.  f they don’t say no or get away or tell, the abuse is at least partially their fault. Sexually abused children already feel shame and guilt - we shouldn’t add to those feelings by expecting them to prevent or stop it.

The person least likely to sexually abuse a child is a stranger. The majority (90% - 98%) of child sexual abuse is committed by a family member or a person the child knows and trusts. This makes it extremely difficult for a child to say no, get away, and tell.  How does the child say no to a relative, close friend, or the person in charge? How do children get away if they are at home or school? Whom can they tell? When adults tell children to keep telling until someone believes them, they have already led children to think they will not be believed. It is no wonder most sexually abused children do not tell.

We try to teach children about good-touch/bad-touch or safe-touch/secret-touch. Whatever we call it, children have a great deal of difficulty distinguishing between appropriate touches and those that are not. Sexual touch feels good, so is that good or bad touch? Sexual abuse frequently begins as harmless touch in appropriate situations. The parent giving a young child a bath may begin touching the child’s genitals in a sexual way. The coach giving a child a hug may begin rubbing his genitals against the child. There are hundreds of ways offenders can cross the line, and the process may be gradual. We still want to teach children about sexual abuse and their right to be safe from it, but we don’t want to hold them responsible for protecting themselves. We need to reframe the message.

To make it easier for children to distinguish appropriate touch from inappropriate touch, we need to teach them the touching rules.  By framing the information as rules, we make it much easier for children to understand. Children are well acquainted with the concept of rules and are good at pointing out a rule-breaker. Touching rules fit very neatly with their way of thinking and children do not have to figure out whether a particular touch is good or bad. If it is against the rules, we don’t do it.

The touching rules cover the concepts of body autonomy and the special and private nature of private parts. We let children know, just like in any other situation, they have the right to tell someone not to break the rules. However, they also need to know sometimes kids can’t keep others from breaking the rules. If someone breaks the rules, it is not the child’s fault.

It is also important to talk to children about their feelings. Children are not born knowing how to express their emotions. We need to give them words to describe how they feel and we must help them identify the feelings of others. Sexual abuse brings up many confusing and overwhelming emotions. We want children to be accustomed to talking and asking about them.

We especially need to discuss the “uh-oh” feeling - the feeling that tells us something is wrong or not safe.  It’s the gut feeling we all get and tend to dismiss because we think we are overreacting. We need to teach children to listen to their “uh-oh” feelings and act on them.  Adults need to listen as well. Often parents will say they had a funny feeling about a situation, but dismissed it, only to find out later their child was being abused.

Finally, we need to tell children to come to us or go to another adult for help if they have any questions or worries about the touching rules or their feelings. Help them identify whom they would go to for help. Asking for help is not the same as telling. There is a subtle distinction that can allow a child to talk about a worrisome or abusive situation. The goal is for children to get help before abuse occurs.

Teach children and remind them often about the touching rules. Let them know they have the right to tell someone not to break the rules.  Talk to them often about feelings and encourage them to go to an adult for help with the touching rules or feelings.

Blue Sky Bridge offers classes to adults on Raising Sexually Healthy and Responsible Children.  This two-session class covers how to prevent sexual abuse, promote healthy sexuality in children, and respond to children’s sexual behaviors. We also offer presentations to pre-school children about Listening to Feelings, Staying Safe. All classes in Boulder and Broomfield Counties are free of charge. To learn more about the classes and find out how to schedule them for your school or group, contact Kitty Sargent at 303.444.1388 or ksargent@blueskybridge.org.

	New Model for Sexual Abuse Prevention (50 KB)